He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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