it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
