Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
