I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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