remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
