two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
My ATM looks so different sober.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
