Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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