shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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