Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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