he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
