I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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