We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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