he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The air was thick with penises
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
