I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
