You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
