Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
