May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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