Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
