hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Randomize
