either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
