you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
