I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
