To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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