he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
