According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
