so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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