Where did you get a picture of my penis
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
