Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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