Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
