i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The power of my boobs compel you
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
