Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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