were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
