I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
