I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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