I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
