I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
