If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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