we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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