I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
