my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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