Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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