So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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