return my video game
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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