I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
