She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Randomize
