oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
