he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
