I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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