Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
