OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
