No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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