Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
