Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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